Covid is contagious. We are hearing about it a lot in the news and have seen the daily implications this has for our lives. In fact, you may be feeling the monotony of hearing the same information over and over. We all know to wear our masks, practice social distancing and good hand hygiene all so we protect ourselves from this coronavirus because we certainly do not want to catch this contagious illness. But not all contagious things are created equal. Some believe happiness and other emotions are contagious.
About a week ago I was feeling like things were so monotonous. Every day we do the same thing around here. At my house we get up, have breakfast and go on a walk in the morning. Getting my body moving feels good. I enjoy the alone time I get with my boys and the chance to prioritize my health. It has been great for our relationship, has helped us establish a routine for the morning and the boys look forward to it. Despite all of that it had started to feel like a burden. I needed some kind of break or way to make my everyday routine a little more exciting and fun. What started out as a fun way to connect and was helpful at first didn’t take long to become sort of blah. I’m also seeing this a lot with my patients. Everyone has some piece of frustration or difficulty in this transition to a contagious world. When I was reflecting on this one day I realized I hadn’t been able to do some of the things which bring me joy. The biggest piece I have been missing is connection with others.
The connection piece led me to think about how I could connect with others safely. I was troubleshooting this problem with my mom and she had the perfect idea. We would chalk happy faces all around my neighborhood. We each grabbed some chalk and randomly drew different sized and colored happy faces on the sidewalk. We had a great time with it. Some had hair, others had noses or teeth or freckles. When we had completed our adventure I noticed that I was feeling a little lighter. The walk which had felt like a burden just the day before brought me joy. There was joy in connecting with my neighbors, even without talking to them.
My boys were so excited to participate in making smiley faces the next day. They woke up and immediately wanted to take the chalk outside. I could see how proud they were when they made their own happy faces. They were feeling joy just as I did the day before.
The happy faces were also a hit with the neighborhood children and the adults as well. The morning after the boys made their happy faces we went for a walk and found more chalk art in our neighborhood. Some of the other families drew butterflies, suns, flowers and their own happy face families in their driveways. We even had several families wave to us and thank us for the happy faces around the neighborhood, saying it helped them feel less alone and seeing the happy faces brought them joy.
Which brings us to happiness being contagious.
While the actual studies on this topic are mixed where we have some studies which say the happiness of members of a family are independent of the happiness of other members of a family and other studies which indicate that even facial expressions and body language can be contagious. This concept of emotions being contagious is conceptualized by a term called “emotional contagion.” There are several studies which support this idea in different ways. You’ve probably also experienced this in your daily life. When your spouse is feeling sad you may also experience some sadness. When your favorite TV character is laughing and dancing around you may smile and feel some of that joy. This phenomenon has a lot of implications for our lives. As infants we learn social cues by observing the world around us and practicing this sort of mimicking behavior. (If you are around an infant you can try to teach them to stick out their tongue, it is such a fun experience!) When mom is happy and feeling good, the child learns these cues well and are set up for the optimal emotional development. When a mother is feeling depressed, her cues may be off or she may not be giving cues of happiness for her child to mimic.
We have a lot of information about the developmental risks for a child when their mother or father experiences postpartum mental illness. Overall, we know treating maternal mental illness can help the mom, which in turn helps the rest of the family. When mom feels better, her happiness passes benefits on to the child in terms of emotional and speech development even years later.
Additionally, we can use this understanding to improve our social interactions. We can prioritize surrounding ourselves (socially distant for now) with people who are supportive and who bring us joy. When we are surrounded by their joy we can experience more joy too. Their happiness can contribute to our happiness.
So when we talk about contagious things, let’s not forget happiness is contagious too. I encourage you to see how this idea can impact you on a daily basis. Are you prioritizing your mental health? Are you surrounding yourself with supportive people? If you’re struggling right now, reach out to your friends who have an infectious laugh and spirit. If you’re already feeling good, use your happiness to infect others.
Should you test hormones in the postpartum period if you're experiencing mental illness? Dr. Kristin Lasseter answers this question and more in this post.
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When Mother's Day HurtsWhen Mother’s Day Hurts“There is, I am convinced, no picture that conveys in all itsdreadfulness, a vision of sorrow, despairing, remediless, supreme.If I could paint such a picture, the canvas would show onlya woman looking down at her empty arms.”-Charlotte BronteAs Mother’s Day approaches, I’ve been speaking with several of my clients who’ve struggled to become mothers and/or have lost a child in utero about what this day means to them and how they feel. I’d like to share some of the themes that have emerged through our discussions. Unfair. For many women, the veneration of mothers on this day is deeply painful. Feelings of anger, irritation, envy, and confusion arise. Why me? Why haven’t I become a mother after so much effort? Why did I lose this much sought-after pregnancy? The women I see in my practice have typically spent months, sometimes years, trying to birth a healthy baby. They may have sacrificed tremendous time, energy, and spent the reserves of their emotional and financial resources to try to conceive. They may have given birth and held a dead baby in their arms. The legacy of their losses becomes their new reality, and they must learn to navigate the world with the constant presence of someone’s absence. This, my friends, is unfair. Isolation. Infertility and/or pregnancy loss is often a silent struggle. Research reports that women who are struggling to become mothers experience increased feelings of anxiety, depression, isolation, shame, guilt, and loss of control. Depression levels in people with infertility have even been compared with patients who have been diagnosed with cancer, and couples tend to report that infertility or pregnancy loss have been the “most difficult” events in their lives thus far. This silent sorority of women is estimated to affect 1 in 8 couples (or 12% of married) who struggle to get pregnant or sustain a pregnancy (Rooney & Domar, 2018). That’s roughly the size California, folks! And yet, we don’t talk about it enough, and that’s especially true for men. Sadly, when these discussions do come up, well intended yet uninformed family, friends, or coworkers can say thoughtless, hurtful comments. This can further the cycle of silence. Grief/Loss. If you wonder what that constant tension is in your body, that heavy feeling that sits on your chest – it’s grief. Feelings of anger, depression, anxiety, fear – all different colors of grief expressed. Loss is ever present in the stories of those struggling to create their families, and it doesn’t just disappear when a baby arrives. For some of my clients, the losses can be layered, so let’s take a look at some of them:What’s been lost?Loss of the experience of pregnancy and birth – you feel you are missing out on one of the most miraculous events of lifeLoss of sense of belonging – you don’t quite fit amongst your friends, family, or society at largeLoss of being in control – of your body – of your life. This wasn’t how it was supposed to beLoss of feeling healthy and normal – your identity shifts from “healthy person” to “infertility patient”Loss of feeling competent – you feel you can no longer achieve what you set out to doLoss of sexual intimacy, identity, and privacy – what had been the most private and intimate acts is now publicThe Eagles band has a song titled “Hole in the World” and I think it certainly applies here - -There's a hole in the world tonightThere's a cloud of fear and sorrowThere's a hole in the world tonightDon't let there be a hole in the world tomorrowIdentity Disruption. Talking with a client who had experienced three recurrent pregnancy losses in the recent past, she noted how her relationship to mother’s day had not transitioned the way she expected, from honoring your mother figure to honoring yourself as a mother. She further described feeling excluded from parenthood and being relegated to still sit at the “kid’s table.” For so many women, they had constructed (whether conscious or unconscious) a reproductive narrative, a story of the family they would have one day and the role they would play in that family. And this story can be largely influenced by the dominant cultural narrative regarding becoming an adult – separating from your parents, establishing your own residence, taking responsibility for your life, and creating your own family. Being denied these important rites of passage and roles can be experienced as an existential crisis. Who am I? Where do I belong?Heroism. The people that I’ve had the privilege to work with during their parenting journey are nothing short of courageous as they attempt to create life against the odds. Some of those people came home with a baby, while others made the heartbreaking decision to be childless due to financial constraints and/or unwillingness to undergo fertility treatments. Some of them only have pictures of the child that never breathed air. As Dr. Ilona Laszlo Higgins expressed in her book “Creating Life Against the Odds,”The struggle of these individuals to create and nurture children goes well beyond the desire to produce a new generation in one’s own image, or to have a living repository for one’s inheritance. It is about the sense of completion that comes from the conscious commitment to be responsible for the well being of another. It is the wisdom that comes from the ashes of loss, translated into new life. (Intended) parents such as these set an example for all of us about the hard work of love. I couldn’t agree more. Society often pathologizes and judges the lengths these folks go to in order to become parents. I’ve had several clients exclaim, “I would never do that,” and then when faced with no other alternative, start down the path they said they would never go. To me, these individuals aren’t crazy, they’re heroes. They are willing to recreate their story and consider what could be versus what should have been. They grieve their losses and nurture their wounds, then carry on. On this day, it is my hope you can do the following for yourself:Practice being with grief, in whatever form it takes, unconditionally and nonjudgmentally. Be with your deeply wounded self.Acknowledge that there’s a missing piece to your life puzzle. A hole in your world.Take good care of yourself. Far from being selfish, self-care in grief is courageous.Forgive yourself. You did nothing wrong. Create a ritual to acknowledge what or who is missing. Write a letter, bury an object, say a prayer, light a candle, carry flowers, whatever honors the void. Ritual acts, whether private or public, are ways in which we give way to the feelings of love, pain, and connection. References/Recommended further readings:Cacciatore, J. (2017). Bearing the unbearable: love, loss, and the heartbreaking path of grief. Wisdom Publications, Somerville, MA. Fast Facts About Infertility. Available at: http://www.resolve.org/about/fast-facts-about-fertility.html. Resolve: The National Fertility Association. Higgins, I. L. (2006). Creating life against the odds: the journey from infertility to parenthood. Xlibris Corporation. Jaffe, J., Diamond, M., & Diamond, D. (2005). Unsung lullabies: understanding and coping with infertility. St. Martin’s Press, New York, NY. Rooney, K. & Domar, A. (2018). Dialogues Clin Neurosci. Mar; 20(1): 41–47.
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